Posts Tagged ‘kids’

The main problem with this prompt? I really don’t get embarrassed very easily. I’ve been pulled over while dressed in drag. When the officer came up to the window I asked “What’s the problem big boy?” in the huskiest voice I could manage.

I don’t usually dress in drag, it was for a play. I had some pretty impressive curves back then too.

Why don’t I get embarrassed? Exhibit one:

Mom & Dad Halloween010

Yep that’s my parents.

I blame my family. They taught me to be who I am and not worry about what other people think. They taught me the importance of humor, and why you need to be able to laugh at yourself.

The closest I ever came to real embarrassment when when my daughter, who was just learning how to talk, started pointing to the clocks in the store and telling me what they were, loudly. Unfortunately she couldn’t pronounce the “L”…

I spent a while saying, loudly in response, “Yes honey those are clocks.” while giggling madly.

This was also the child that mimicked everyone. My wife and I were driving down a fairly busy side street and had to slow down because there were a bunch of teenage boys hanging out in the middle of it. She mumbled quietly “Look at those dumb asses just standing in the street.” It was warm and the windows were down. As we passed the group we hear our 2 year old, from the back seat, yell out the window, “Dumb Asses!” I was wiping away tears of laughter as we sped away.

She also spent 20 minutes singing the “F” word in the back seat over and over and over…. she was, as her sister puts it, a potty mouth. I almost drove off the road I was laughing so hard.

She grew out of it.

Mostly, she is 14 now.

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What do I do when I’m alone? I do what any other red-blooded American married father of teenage girls does…

…bask in the glorious silence.

Watch whatever I want on TV without someone complaining.

Read my book without having to hide out in the bathroom.

Play my guitar and sing as loud as I want.

Play a video game.

Sleep.

Listen to music.

Talk to the dog.

Pretend I’m a ninja.

Fix the light I just broke while pretending to be a ninja.

Sometimes I even clean.

What do you do?

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Testicles

Posted: October 11, 2012 in My Girls
Tags: , ,

On the corner of Locust, Hickory Grove & Division, otherwise known as Five Points, there is a business on the corner. No not Walgreen’s, or the CVS across the street, or JJ’s Chicken & Fish. I’m referring to Jumpin’ Joey’s. They rent those big inflatable jumpy houses, slides, obstacle courses and other items. They’ve got some really cool stuff. One of the coolest is a giant dinosaur double slide.

See! Pretty cool!

We’ve driven by it many times, however this particular day, it was windy. This caused the spines on the top to “wave”. Emma, my 11-year-old, noticed and pointed it out to us in the car by very loudly exclaiming…

“Look at those things on top of the dinosaur!  They’re waving around like giant testicles!”

The car got very quiet… “You mean tentacles?” I asked

“Yeah, tentacles!”

That’s when Kaitlin and I burst out laughing. It wasn’t that what she said was that funny, but in my head all I could see were these giant testicles just flopping around in the air, which you have to admit, would be something to see. Emma laughed along with us. That girl has a great sense of humor and has no problem laughing at herself. Either that or she was picturing floating testicles waving around in the air too.

He He…. now I’m picturing it again….

I went with truck nuts to keep this post somewhat PG-13. It’s much more NC-17 in my head.

Speaking of truck nuts… you should check out one of my favorite blogs, “Random Ninja – Writer of Wrongs”. She has a whole blog about them:

http://randomninja-writerofwrongs.blogspot.com/2012/02/does-this-vagina-make-my-van-look-hot.html

Go ahead, check it out, I’ll wait….

… You’re back! Good, let’s continue.

I like those blow-up jumpy things, but I’m too big for them. Did you know there’s a weight limit on those things?! Well there is, and it’s stupid.  We had one for Emma’s birthday a number of years ago. Everyone had a great time, until someone peed and then it was downhill from there. Actually it was just a little pee, and it didn’t stop anyone from jumping  around, and it’s become a running joke between my girls and their grandmother for years now.

Among the other products that Jumpin’ Joey’s has, are life-sized rock ’em, sock ’em robots. You remember Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots? They we pretty neat.

But these are awesome!

You can get in them and pummel your opponent until their head pops up. What could possibly go wrong?

To end this post, and because I don’t think I’ve embarrassed Emma enough, here are some other random things she has said over the years that are just too funny…

  • “I lil’lerlly can’t say lil’lerly”
  • Poking her head into our bedroom…“FYI, Code Brown, means Teddy is missing…”  From out in the hall... “CODE BROWN!” A few minutes later… “Code Brown clear!”
  • In response to her sister complaining that her snowsuit made her butt look big, “It’s okay I still love you….big butt.”
  • “Ketchup is not a food, it is a condiment.” age 6 (This was in response to Tina asking her why she eats ketchup when she doesn’t eat “red food”)
  • Singing to the tune of “Dynamite by Taio Cruz”, “I throw my skittles in the air sometimes, singing hey-o, taste the rainbow”
  • About babysitting, “I don’t want to take care of them, I just wanna play with them.”
  • “Mustaches are cool, and it sucks that girls can’t grow them… except for my math teacher, she already has one.”

Left Field

Posted: October 2, 2012 in Old Notes
Tags: , ,

The following conversation was held between my 13 year old daughter (K) and me (M).

K: How far is it from here to Viv’s Grandmothers house?

M: I don’t know, 2 or 3 miles. Why?

K: I just thought I could walk over there and get her and we could walk back.

M: I don’t think that would be a good idea, it’s awfully far.

K: But Aunt Nancy went on a 21 mile bike ride…

M: On a bike, not walking. It’s not the same.

K: Well how far would it have been if she’d walked?

M: ………

My daughter’s blond. That’s not a bad thing, and I’m not enforcing the stereotype that blonds are dumb. My daughter is quite intelligent, she just happens to lack whatever chemical in your brain stops dumb stuff from coming out your mouth. Most people seem to have the ability to form a sentence, realize the sentence is absurd, and delete it before it becomes actual words…

… coming out of your mouth…

… out loud.

Comedians use this to their advantage. They recognize it, but instead of deleting it, they save it for later in a folder called “Jokes”. I lacked the same chemical at her age, so maybe it’s hereditary. I’ve either grown out of it, or learned to control it by compensating. I use self-depreciating humor a lot, so now if I say something stupid, I can brush it off as a joke.

“Ha, ha… yeah that would be so stupid to say! Ha, Ha, who would say that!”… me, I would, and I do.

Allow me to regal you with a tale of my childhood…

As many 13 year olds do, I wasn’t paying any attention to my mother & step-father’s conversation as we drove along in the car. I was vaguely aware that they may or may not have been actually talking to me, but that is beside the point. Something in their conversation triggered me to comment on it. I think they asked me a question, like “Are you even paying attention?” Unfortunately, I had no idea what they were talking about so the comment was out of place and a little strange. To which they replied, “Tim, you’re always out in left field.”

Okay, I’m going pause right here. The following words that came out of my mouth make complete sense to a 13 year old boy, who did in fact play baseball, and assumed the conversation he had fallen into was centered on that. Alright, let us continue.

Indignantly I said, “Nuh-uh, I play center-field.” This was followed by gales of laughter from the front seat and a sudden realization that I had inadvertently made a fool of myself.

They were not talking about baseball and the position I played. No-one remembers what they were talking about. I asked my Mom and she has no idea, but remembers the “Left Field” exchange like it was yesterday. And told my kids about it.

Wonderful.

But I guess in 30 years, when my grandchildren inherit this chemical imbalance, I get to tell them about their mother’s “blond” moments…

… and that’s awesome!