Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Well it happened. I got done with the challenge, completed a couple additional post, then promptly forgot about it.

Okay I didn’t forget about it… I just couldn’t get around to it. I kept saying, I’ll do one tomorrow…

…tomorrow never came.

Guess what?! Today is tomorrow!

So that makes tomorrow the day after and yesterday is actually two days ago which means today doesn’t exist.

I think.

Anywho… on we go. (Hey if Allie Brosh can come back after a year and a half absence and have 5000+ comments on her post, then I should at least get a “like” or two. Right guys?…. guys?…. hello?…anyone there?….*sigh*)

A lot has been going on lately, but none of it was really that amusing. And then this happened…

If you’ve been following the weather lately you’ve probably notice that the Midwest has had it’s fair share of storms. Actually, we’ve had more that our fair share… in fact I’m getting a little tired of rain. Don’t get me wrong, I love rain, especially thunderstorms. Like Eddie Rabbitt said, I love a rainy night. But the shear amount of rain has been ridiculous.

Yesterday (which is really 2 days ago because today doesn’t exist…remember?) my wife called me at work. She said there was a tree in our yard. I agreed, yes, we do have a tree in our yard, and a number of trees adjacent to our yard… what’s your point? She clarified. It was not a tree that belonged to us. in fact it was just part of a tree, our neighbor’s tree, and it was hanging off the power-line running from the house to the garage.

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Large branch hanging from the power-line.

It’s kind of hard to see the power-line…

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There it is!

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There’s where it broke off.

So the question now was, how do I get it off the line? The power company wouldn’t do anything because it wasn’t “their” line. I was planning on taking care of it when I got home, however… it was taken care of for me before I could get home. Unfortunately, the power-line was pulled down with the branch, which left a live line just laying in the yard. I know his intentions were good, but if his fear was the line coming down and electrocuting someone if he didn’t get the branch off the line… he failed.

I know what you’re asking… why wasn’t the breaker flipped before he pulled on the branch?

Good question.

I don’t know why he didn’t wait.

My wife would have turned it off, but the genius that put in our electrical box didn’t do a real great job at labeling it.

breakerBox

The actual labels are much more vague than this. They say stuff like “liv/den” or “Kitch”. Over the last year I’ve deciphered most of  the codes. None of them, however, are labeled “garage”. I still have no idea which one it is. The only way we could know if we turned the power off to the garage, was to have someone stand in there and tell us when the lights went out while we arbitrarily flipped breaker switches in the basement.

“How about now?…No?…now?….now?…still nothing?…. f#@k it, just flip the main off!”

So the branch is down… so’s the power-line, but whatever.

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Stuck by lightning perhaps?

Here’s a photo of the branch with Seeley, for size comparison….

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Seeley vs. Branch

He’s not so sure about this giant “stick” in the yard. It’s getting in his way when he wants to run around and bark at nothing. It’s also preventing us from playing with his Frisbee.

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It needs to go…but…it…just…won’t….move….

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Fine! I’ll dismantle it piece by piece… nom, nom, nom….

So that’s what happened. Now I need to find someone with a chainsaw to help cut  this thing up.

But hey!

Free firewood!

Tina & I are foodies, sort of. Okay, not really, but do we watch a lot of cooking shows. Hell’s Kitchen, Worst Cooks in America, Restaurant Impossible, Top Chef, Chopped, Sweet Genius, Chef Wanted, Restaurant Stakeout. We also liked Ace of Cakes & Good Eats. We even have the Top Chef & Good Eats cookbooks.

We can’t really be considered foodies because we don’t have, what they call, refined pallets. She doesn’t like peas and if you put mushrooms in anything I won’t touch it with a 15 foot pole. Green beans make me gag and Tina gets sick just looking at mayonnaise.  Neither one of us are big fans of tomatoes, unless it’s a sauce or a condiment. We’re pretty simple folk. Kraft Mac n’ Cheese is a staple at our house. Sometimes I’ll fancy it up and add tuna to it. Tina does likes salmon and tilapia while I prefer my fish in stick form, easier to dip in ketchup to mask that unpleasant fish taste.

But ever since we’ve been watching these cooking shows, we’ve tried to up our game. We try out new recipes every week. Some are successful, others are not. Though I’ve found adding a butt-load of cheese will make almost anything palatable. Butt-load is a real unit of measurement in our kitchen, as well as, a heap, a glop, a handful (varies on who’s hand is cooking at the time), some, a squirt, a dollop (♪of Daisy♬), a bit, smallish, and a hunka hunka (but only in reference to cheese).

The more I watch, the more I dream of having my own restaurant. Both of us have worked in the food service industry on and off our whole lives. My first real job was at McDonald’s, then I moved up in the world to KFC. While I was in college I worked for Cinnabon (yes, I can still make them, no, I won’t tell you the secret ingredient). I’ve worked as a server and a baker, Tina’s been a waitress and a line cook. We’re smart, well-educated people, we could run our own restaurant.

We could call it TnT…

TnT Dynamite Good Food

TnT Dynamite Good Food! The marketing practically writes itself!

Or I’d like to open a bakery. We could sell breads and pastries, cookies and cakes…. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.

We’ll call it Tim’s Big Ass Buns!

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Me and my big ass…

Can’t you just imagine walking through the mall, the scent of the fresh-baked goods wafting through the air, and a giant 6 ft ass on a lit up sign.

Like a Statue of Liberty for fat people.

“Give me your hefty, your obese, Your thick-set masses yearning to eat gluten, The bulging waistlines of your oversize pants. Send these, the rotund, corpulent to me, as I lift my gooey buns out of the fiery oven!”

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SAMSUNG

I don’t know why there is a tiger hanging from the light…. I assume it was a hell of a party.

This is a bar down the street from where I work… it made me laugh. The tiger even has sunglasses on. Guess I’ll need to go down there for a drink now and then. There’s also a sweet mini golf course right behind it.

Valley Golf

‘Cause what’s better than drinkin’ and puttin’?

I’m not much of a drinker myself. Mostly because I don’t really like beer and I’m too cheap to buy hard liquor. I will occasionally splurge and get 1 or 12 Captain & Cokes or Jack & Cokes (both), when we’re on vacation. Of course we have to face the children when we get home. They’ll squint at us and ask “Are you guys drunk?”

We, of course, indignantly and rather slurredly, reply,”No… now where’s the pans, we’re gonna make clam cakes!”

Worst hang-over I’ve ever had, was back in ’98. Tina and I were celebrating getting our first apartment together. She was pregnant with our first daughter, so she wasn’t drinking. However, that didn’t stop me and our good friend, who happened to come over to help. I spent the next couple hours drinking Seven & Sevens and eating Doritos with melted cheese.

I don’t remember much.  I do remember microwaving the Doritos and cheese on a plate with a gold ring on it. If you’ve ever put metal in the microwave you’ll know what it does. I thought it was neat and pretty, Tina thought I was going to burn down the kitchen. At some point I crawled to the bathroom to evict the contents of my stomach. By the morning, I felt awful, it was also moving day. Tina was less than sympathetic. I haven’t drank or had a hang-over like that since.

I also didn’t eat Doritos for at least 5 years.

So here we are, at the end. I’m a little behind. 🙂

The weekend was busy with Easter & all.  And Illness has run rampant through the household. It ran me over yesterday.

Day 30: My favorite ice cream flavor is…

…wait for it…

Ben & Jerry’s Coffee Heath Bar Crunch.

or Dean’s Fannie May Mint Meltaway

Day 31: Self portrait & what I like best about this experience.

Like I haven’t posted enough photos already… here’s one of me and my celebrity doppelgänger Jeffery Jones.

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What did I like best?

I think overall, it gave me topics to write about and forced me to actually sit down and do it.  That’s going to be the hardest thing to do after this. Finding stuff to write about.  I’ll have to start looking at my life a little differently, find the interesting in the mundane.

The girls do give me plenty to laugh about. Yesterday the 14-year-old was complaining about a headache, I told her to put ice on her head. When I asked her later if it helped, she said yes, but the ice melted….*0_0*… um yes, that is what ice does.

For those of you that have been following me though this month of blogging, thank you. For those who just joined us,welcome, I hope to give you a reason to stay.

One last big thank you shout out to Tiffany at www.fabulousfindsbytiffany.com for the Challenge.

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My favorite time of the year. I have many “favorite” times of year.

Winter: I love Christmas songs. I love Christmas decorations. I love the soft covering of snow on the ground, the silence of a morning after a snowstorm. Before the scrape of shovels and the growl of snow blowers fill the air. But I hate shoveling and driving in it… and it’s too cold.

Summer: Love the Long days and warm nights. That’s about it. Hear in the mid-west summer has got to be one of the most miserable times of the year. It’s hot and humid and just gross. If the humidity is 100%, doesn’t that mean it’s water? I immediately start sweating when just thinking about going outside. Thank God for air conditioning.

Spring: The rain, love it. Especially thunderstorms. The smell of spring, that fresh, growing scent. Hearing the birds singing in the morning, except for that one asshole bird that sits in the tree right outside my bedroom window and starts singing at 5 am!

Fall: I love the colors of the leaves. The smell and the crunch of them underfoot. Fall also has my favorite holiday, Halloween. We love Halloween here. Maybe it’s because I was born on Halloween. As a kid I thought it was awesome, every house I went to on my birthday would give me candy. It’s not just the candy anymore, it’s the costumes, scaring the kids, and the decorations. The girls and I go all out, we love it!

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Even Seeley gets in on it…

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