Archive for October, 2012

Testicles

Posted: October 11, 2012 in My Girls
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On the corner of Locust, Hickory Grove & Division, otherwise known as Five Points, there is a business on the corner. No not Walgreen’s, or the CVS across the street, or JJ’s Chicken & Fish. I’m referring to Jumpin’ Joey’s. They rent those big inflatable jumpy houses, slides, obstacle courses and other items. They’ve got some really cool stuff. One of the coolest is a giant dinosaur double slide.

See! Pretty cool!

We’ve driven by it many times, however this particular day, it was windy. This caused the spines on the top to “wave”. Emma, my 11-year-old, noticed and pointed it out to us in the car by very loudly exclaiming…

“Look at those things on top of the dinosaur!  They’re waving around like giant testicles!”

The car got very quiet… “You mean tentacles?” I asked

“Yeah, tentacles!”

That’s when Kaitlin and I burst out laughing. It wasn’t that what she said was that funny, but in my head all I could see were these giant testicles just flopping around in the air, which you have to admit, would be something to see. Emma laughed along with us. That girl has a great sense of humor and has no problem laughing at herself. Either that or she was picturing floating testicles waving around in the air too.

He He…. now I’m picturing it again….

I went with truck nuts to keep this post somewhat PG-13. It’s much more NC-17 in my head.

Speaking of truck nuts… you should check out one of my favorite blogs, “Random Ninja – Writer of Wrongs”. She has a whole blog about them:

http://randomninja-writerofwrongs.blogspot.com/2012/02/does-this-vagina-make-my-van-look-hot.html

Go ahead, check it out, I’ll wait….

… You’re back! Good, let’s continue.

I like those blow-up jumpy things, but I’m too big for them. Did you know there’s a weight limit on those things?! Well there is, and it’s stupid.  We had one for Emma’s birthday a number of years ago. Everyone had a great time, until someone peed and then it was downhill from there. Actually it was just a little pee, and it didn’t stop anyone from jumping  around, and it’s become a running joke between my girls and their grandmother for years now.

Among the other products that Jumpin’ Joey’s has, are life-sized rock ’em, sock ’em robots. You remember Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots? They we pretty neat.

But these are awesome!

You can get in them and pummel your opponent until their head pops up. What could possibly go wrong?

To end this post, and because I don’t think I’ve embarrassed Emma enough, here are some other random things she has said over the years that are just too funny…

  • “I lil’lerlly can’t say lil’lerly”
  • Poking her head into our bedroom…“FYI, Code Brown, means Teddy is missing…”  From out in the hall... “CODE BROWN!” A few minutes later… “Code Brown clear!”
  • In response to her sister complaining that her snowsuit made her butt look big, “It’s okay I still love you….big butt.”
  • “Ketchup is not a food, it is a condiment.” age 6 (This was in response to Tina asking her why she eats ketchup when she doesn’t eat “red food”)
  • Singing to the tune of “Dynamite by Taio Cruz”, “I throw my skittles in the air sometimes, singing hey-o, taste the rainbow”
  • About babysitting, “I don’t want to take care of them, I just wanna play with them.”
  • “Mustaches are cool, and it sucks that girls can’t grow them… except for my math teacher, she already has one.”
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Left Field

Posted: October 2, 2012 in Old Notes
Tags: , ,

The following conversation was held between my 13 year old daughter (K) and me (M).

K: How far is it from here to Viv’s Grandmothers house?

M: I don’t know, 2 or 3 miles. Why?

K: I just thought I could walk over there and get her and we could walk back.

M: I don’t think that would be a good idea, it’s awfully far.

K: But Aunt Nancy went on a 21 mile bike ride…

M: On a bike, not walking. It’s not the same.

K: Well how far would it have been if she’d walked?

M: ………

My daughter’s blond. That’s not a bad thing, and I’m not enforcing the stereotype that blonds are dumb. My daughter is quite intelligent, she just happens to lack whatever chemical in your brain stops dumb stuff from coming out your mouth. Most people seem to have the ability to form a sentence, realize the sentence is absurd, and delete it before it becomes actual words…

… coming out of your mouth…

… out loud.

Comedians use this to their advantage. They recognize it, but instead of deleting it, they save it for later in a folder called “Jokes”. I lacked the same chemical at her age, so maybe it’s hereditary. I’ve either grown out of it, or learned to control it by compensating. I use self-depreciating humor a lot, so now if I say something stupid, I can brush it off as a joke.

“Ha, ha… yeah that would be so stupid to say! Ha, Ha, who would say that!”… me, I would, and I do.

Allow me to regal you with a tale of my childhood…

As many 13 year olds do, I wasn’t paying any attention to my mother & step-father’s conversation as we drove along in the car. I was vaguely aware that they may or may not have been actually talking to me, but that is beside the point. Something in their conversation triggered me to comment on it. I think they asked me a question, like “Are you even paying attention?” Unfortunately, I had no idea what they were talking about so the comment was out of place and a little strange. To which they replied, “Tim, you’re always out in left field.”

Okay, I’m going pause right here. The following words that came out of my mouth make complete sense to a 13 year old boy, who did in fact play baseball, and assumed the conversation he had fallen into was centered on that. Alright, let us continue.

Indignantly I said, “Nuh-uh, I play center-field.” This was followed by gales of laughter from the front seat and a sudden realization that I had inadvertently made a fool of myself.

They were not talking about baseball and the position I played. No-one remembers what they were talking about. I asked my Mom and she has no idea, but remembers the “Left Field” exchange like it was yesterday. And told my kids about it.

Wonderful.

But I guess in 30 years, when my grandchildren inherit this chemical imbalance, I get to tell them about their mother’s “blond” moments…

… and that’s awesome!

Along with our new house, my family adopted a dog. I’ve wanted a dog for a long time, but because of where we lived and the lack of a fenced in yard, I waited.

…. and waited.

…. and waited.

Now we have a lovely house, with a nice fenced in back yard! So off to the Humane Society we went. I won’t go into all the details or the heart wrenching decisions we had to make. We finally picked a cute little black and white “terrier mix”. I say “terrier mix” because that’s what the Humane Society said he was. He’s not. He is a pure bred Borgie.

No he is not trying to assimilate the humane race. He is a cross between a Border Collie and a Corgie. It’s a real thing, they have a website and everything!

So ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, I present Seeley Booth Dominicus! (aka Seeley Booth Von Poops in the House, aka Seeley Booth Von Chases the Cats, aka Seeley Booth Von Barks at the House Guests, aka Seeley Booth Von… well you get the picture)

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Such a good boy, smiled for the camera and everything.

I wanted a good picture of him, it was either that picture or this one…

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I think this one it highly inappropriate. Kaitlin said “give me sexy” and this is what she got…. I might have to check the Internet histories and see what kind of web pages he’s visiting when we’re not home.

So I’m not posting it.

Wait…oops….oh well.

Seeley, is just over a year old now. He’s been part of our family since February. Before he came to live with us, he was brought into the Humane Society as a stray. Adopted by another family but returned when they found out he had a heart murmur. While a murmur can be cause for alarm we have found no evidence of it slowing him down in the least. So his life didn’t start off to good. We are plan to make sure the rest of it is great!

He is very intelligent and learns commands very quickly. He currently knows:

  • Sit
  • Stay
  • Down
  • Here
  • Come here (yes they are different)
  • Shake
  • High Five
  • Paw Bump
  • Wake up Girls (my personal favorite)

As well as understanding basic words and phrases when spoken to him. Like “get your ball”, or “outside”, and of course “walk”. I have a feeling he understands much more, I just can’t prove it.

As good as he is, he does have a number of bad habits & behaviors we are trying to correct. As mentioned earlier in his alias, he does like to poop in the house, we’re working on that. He’s a chewer. Hasn’t destroyed any furniture, but numerous shoes, flip flops, baseball hats, stuffed animals, a poor defenseless roll of toilet paper, among others, have all fallen pray to his wrath.

And then there was the great Barbie Massacre of 2012.

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Hmmm, this really doesn’t convey the destruction…

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Oh the horror! Why God! I can still hear the screams!

He has one trait that is both admirable and frustrating. He is very protective. Whoa be to the intruder that come uninvited into our house. Not even food will distract him from the perceived threat. And there is no one he is more protective of than Tina. Even the girls have a tough time coming into our bedroom at night when he’s on duty. I thought I was the one exception. But I was wrong.

Some of our close friends know his more embarrassing alias, and to spare some of those with tender ears, I won’t get into it. Tina and I have been married for 14 years, but apparently, Seeley has decided there will no longer be any funny business in our bed. If we even try to kiss each other, he will complain and get between us. And “complain” is the only way to describe the noise he makes, it’s not a bark or a growl, nor is it a whimper or howl. It’s a complaint. It has gotten to the point that I can’t even cuddle up with my own wife and put my arm around her without him squeezing in, “complaining” and, in extreme cases, biting me! Yesterday he was biting the back of my shirt in an effort to pull me away from her! Then he will sit between us and grumble.

I have been cock blocked by my dog.

Man’s best friend my ass…..

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